I first started yoga ten years ago when I was diagnosed with PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, after I'd been raped by a stranger in an alley in Venice beach. I was scared of becoming dependent on medication so I asked my doctor for other options-- she suggested I tried yoga.
Yoga became a tool for me to come back to my body, to process my anxiety, to feel comfortable and at peace with what I knew was out of my control.
What was out of my control was being able to change the past and others. As soon as I came to understanding of that I had a sense of relief wash over me. I all of sudden started to feel lighter and alive again. I realized how much energy it took out of me when I tried to control and change an outcome that was out of my power, and I was able to apply this to other situations and life experiences.
Still, there was something going on deep inside of me. I came across Neurogenic Yoga and this method called TRE, Trauma/Tension Release Exercise. After just a few days I had already signed up for a training up north in San Francisco. At this time of my life I was in a relationship and living in a home where I didn't feel safe and I was desperate to find something more; I needed a "quick fix" to help me get back to my yoga practice since my mind and body was too blocked from the trauma I was experiencing at home.
I still remember my first experience with TRE. I felt like I was high on drugs. And I have never done drugs in my life but whenever I see someone high on weed, this is what I assume they are feeling. My body had released so much built up tension already on that first day that I was experiencing a buzz, a sensation of energy and hormones running wild in my nervous system- and I was hooked. It was like someone had gone in to my body and done a spring cleaning in my body and my brain, just shaking it all out. I'm currently picturing someone holding me by my ankles upside down, shaking me until random things drop and fly around me-- close enough.
So after finding this incredible release, I was able to come back to my yoga and meditation practice and things started to open up, things started to get more clear in the way I was thinking and understood everything that was happening around me. Whenever it would get really bad at home I would run into the bedroom or the closest bathroom and do this exercise, allowing myself to shake out the pain, the trauma, the stress and tension, and tune out everything else that was trying to come into my little safe zone. Sometimes I was really lucky and got my hands on my headphones to block out all the sounds.
This was so amazing. I felt so lucky for having all of these tools, no matter what I was going through. I met so many women on secret support group meeting that didn't have any of this. They didn't have their practice, they didn't have their belief and faith, they didn't have TRE, and most of us were going through almost the exact same things. They all looked at me after I was done sharing, asking me confused how I could be so calm, collected and at peace as I was telling them my story- their words, not mine. I told them I had my tools...
Even with all of this, my work was still not done, as it never really is. We always have something to process, life never really stands still, and that's a beautiful thing.
I started incorporating journaling, and was so surprised with how much came up. At first I had no idea where to start, so I just started writing and before I knew it, I had so much to let out that my hand was cramping. That week was the first time I cried in front of my therapist. Even after going to therapy for years and sharing all my dark secrets, or at least most of them, I was still putting on a brave face and always did everything I could to not break down. God forbid I would cry, couldn't show anyone my vulnerability or they would think I was weak, a mess, a screw up. All of sudden I heard myself and the unkind things I was saying to myself. I was a real bitch to myself. Not cool.
Since then I have had this awareness within me. Of course, I am human and I slip up, but now I can recognize it the same second as it happens and I can treat myself with the same respect and kindness as I treat strangers and the people in my life
What I've learned is that not one thing is the fix. There's no such thing as a quick fix, or fast results. But there's tools, techniques and methods to help guide you through that process, to help steer you in the right direction, and that is why I created an online course. My wish is that it will be as helpful for you, as it was for me. With all the work that I do for myself, to keep myself balanced, it leaves me with more energy and abundance to flow through my body and to manifest into what I really want to see and experience in my life. Life is too short to live in survival mode, to try to survive each day, one day at the time. The time to live to our hearts desires is now, not later, not next week, not next month, or next year but right now. What if (and god forbid), something happened tomorrow, and you wasted all that time not loving yourself and not loving your life, wouldn't that be the most disheartening thing. I can say with confidence that you wouldn't look back at all that energy you spent on trying to make things work that wasn't supposed to work and that didn't contribute to your happiness, with joy and with a peaceful heart. If that happened to me, I would be pissed. Not at anyone else, but pissed at myself for not taking responsibility for my own life, my own happiness and my truth, to create the change that was needed.
I am grateful for this universe, for myself, and the people I choose to have in my life- because without them, the universe, myself and my tribe, I wouldn't be in love with life as I am right now.